Dear God, please don't let me get hurt again.
I'm so happy and so afraid.
Anybody who reads this (all two of you) please be praying.
I'm happy, but I really am scared.
Insecurity is biting at my heals.
I know that I don't show it, but I can be horribly insecure and second guessing.
It is something that I have to move past everyday and they seem to raring their ugly heads at me again.
They like to do that when I'm happy and content.
But that's just it.
I'm happy and I'm content.
So don't feel sorry or bad for me when you read this.
Things are good.
(stream of consciousness, not expected to be really understood)
I'm trying to keep a level head and not get nervous.
I don't want things, ruined, rushed, or otherwise.
Things are just too precious to screw up now.
I really do look forward to getting to see the other side of things one day.
Getting to say all the other sides of situations that you always wanted to know.
It is difficult caring about someone that you don't know well yet.
It is difficult wanting to get to know them, but not knowing how probing is too probing.
But, all I can do is be honest with myself and what I'm feeling.
That's what you said I should do, be honest, so I'm going to trust you.
I know God will honor that.
In the mean time, I'm just trying not to psych myself out.
We shall see how that goes.
I don't want me in this at all.
Only God.
That would give it a fighting chance.
When my insecurites get in the mix, however, things crash and burn.

Here's to life with me removed.
God use me.
Evie.

wow.

For the first time in a year, I am happy.

fail.

I am loved.

New.

So, I haven't written in quite a while.
I really haven't known what to share and what not to.
Everything in my life has been really, ridiculously fast, and very slow at the same time.
When I saw slow, I mean like, tortoise paced, slow, but zooming at the same time.
This year was my last year of camp.
I had been going to it for eight years.
For those past eight years, I knew what I would be doing the week surrounding the 4th of July.
I have no idea what I will do next year with that week open.
Maybe I will go to Oregon and Washington state.
I've never been to either of those states before and I would really love to go.
My buddy Jake has family in Oregon so whenever he goes up there, he drives through the Redlands in northern California.
He takes the most amazing pictures and every time I see them, I want to hop in my car and start driving.
I don't know, now that I'm typing it out, I may not make it until next year before I take a trip up there. ;)

Well, I really have absolutely no clue what this post was for or about, but I felt like writing, so I did. Bahaha. Go me! Not to be confused with Go Meat. . . those ads are some of the dumbest ones ever to be recorded. Anyway, have a God soaked day.

Evie B)

"I have chosen the way of truth; I have set my heart on your laws."
Psalm 119:30

The past week was the most wonderful, challenging, heart-breaking, discouraging, encouraging, random, planned, spontaneous, restrictive, freeing, and incredible week of my life.
Life is going to keep rolling, but I will hold those faces and places in my heart for the rest of my life.
I never knew that letting go of that week would be that difficult. The last night was every emotion at once. Truly, every emotion in one. The top two were heartbreak and ecstasy. Weird combo, huh?
I had to let go of people. One in particular.
I gained people and found out some things that I never knew.
June 27-July 4, 2009 will forever be etched in my memory as my last week of anything resembling childhood. My eyes and hearts have been opened.
I will hope for you.
I will pray for you.
I will love you all for the rest of my lives.
Raise up your heads, oh gates, so that the Lord of Glory may come in.

Evie B)