This is what it feels like when a heart beats.

I hurt.

I'm thankful that I'm alive.
I'm thankful that God saved me from an abusive man.
I'm thankful that God removed a fake from my life.
I'm thankful for my parents.
I'm thankful for my friends who love me.
I'm thankful for time.
I'm thankful for music.
I'm thankful for the Vances.
I'm just thankful.

The past few days have been a reminder that I am not invincible.
Things still catch up with me even when I feel like I'm on cloud nine.
Heaven looks better by the day.
I won't have to miss being held there.
I'll always be warm.
I'll see your face there.
I won't have memories following me like ghosts.

Breathe B.Reith
This is not the life that I had planned
I'm standing on a patch of sinking sand
The man I thought I once would be is far from where I am
And this pain staking process is wearing me thin again
Coming into this broken dream and breathe down on me breathe down on me
Sing Yourself through a melody and breathe down on me breathe down on me
I can't remember where it all went wrong
Before I knew it all of me was gone
But when I lost it all that's when my life truly began
And I found myself secure in the palm of your hand again

Here's looking at you, kid ;)

Dear God, please don't let me get hurt again.
I'm so happy and so afraid.
Anybody who reads this (all two of you) please be praying.
I'm happy, but I really am scared.
Insecurity is biting at my heals.
I know that I don't show it, but I can be horribly insecure and second guessing.
It is something that I have to move past everyday and they seem to raring their ugly heads at me again.
They like to do that when I'm happy and content.
But that's just it.
I'm happy and I'm content.
So don't feel sorry or bad for me when you read this.
Things are good.
(stream of consciousness, not expected to be really understood)
I'm trying to keep a level head and not get nervous.
I don't want things, ruined, rushed, or otherwise.
Things are just too precious to screw up now.
I really do look forward to getting to see the other side of things one day.
Getting to say all the other sides of situations that you always wanted to know.
It is difficult caring about someone that you don't know well yet.
It is difficult wanting to get to know them, but not knowing how probing is too probing.
But, all I can do is be honest with myself and what I'm feeling.
That's what you said I should do, be honest, so I'm going to trust you.
I know God will honor that.
In the mean time, I'm just trying not to psych myself out.
We shall see how that goes.
I don't want me in this at all.
Only God.
That would give it a fighting chance.
When my insecurites get in the mix, however, things crash and burn.

Here's to life with me removed.
God use me.
Evie.

wow.

For the first time in a year, I am happy.