So, I can't believe this is happening to me again. I am moving to Salt Lake City in mid December. I thought that I was going to get to stay in Albuquerque. Apparently not. I am upset and terrified about leaving all of my friends and my church and am pretty much hacked off that God is moving me again. I know He has the better plan and I know that everything will be great, but right now I just want to stay here so I can be comfortable. I am just stunned. I have to pack everything again. Make the eleven hour drive toting my life behind me. This will be the 7th state and the 12th house in 17 years. Wow.

Crying. Crying a lot.

Ok, so I am writing a blog. Shocking, I know. I hope no one keeled over at this ridiculously rare happening. I have had some people ask about my poetry, so I thought I would put the newest addition up. I know that it isn't written in "normal" form. Just read it and make your own stanza and rhythm.


something stellar keeps rolling around in this mind thoughts of the way this life could have been should have been if i had just removed myself from the equation the brokenness that i feel gets annoying i hate myself when i wake in the morning, or mid afternoon as it seems to be the case lately what a waste of these days that I've been given what a shrill reminder that every second that i breath or blink is something that could have been should have been used for so much more
i turn to think of the emptiness that i see in the faces of those around me i know that i have the hope i know that i have the salvation but im selfish, annoyed, and hateful i want to stay in bed with the covers pulled over my head because, lets face it, its warm, and easy to stay in bed with the covers pulled over your head and lets face this, while we're at it, we love this place that is self we love the me time that this generation has taught us is so necessary not to say that we dont need the solitude sometimes, but of course, that is the contradiction the pang of everything that stirs us to wonder and doubt if this existence even exists
broken pieces is what i feel like mostly and who am i to talk i have the Glue
bumping into these faces and places that remind me of "happy" times what are they to me anymore? some hopeless pipe dream that remains i find myself sitting and reminiscing talking to my mom about nothing and feeling so useless what do i do? i talk, i bluster, i scream i blurt out the most sinister things that i truly mean and that horrifies me i am terrified at the fact that those thoughts and songs came out of me but thrilled at the same time i hate the inconsistency
i crave something substantial most days and who am I to talk? I have the substance
such hypocrisy engulfs my moment to moment a complete crime that breaks into a beautiful parole that i never deserved why me? why this place and time that You've dropped me in? i always want something different because God forbid that I become content content, a word that i am not acquainted with and yet yet it haunts my every second content what does that word mean? to let go of all ambition or hope of moving on? of course not to sit still is to die but to constantly move is to wear out so here i find myself, again, swimming in a sea of uncertainty clinging to the things that hope I know the things that I trust the things that I have seen the things that I have felt oh, but there I go feeling again feelings are dangerous that is something i know for sure but i refuse to be shut off like most of the women my age i refuse to shut off my love the free-ness of letting myself fall into who i wish i tried to be more picky about who i end up wanting its just no use
most days i feel tired and who am I to talk? I have the Rest
the utter insanity is that this is the life that i chose i knew what i was getting into and i dove head first i tried to be honest that didnt work out so well it wasnt nice it certainly wasnt pretty but now its all i have and all i know my words tend to offend usually, i just dont blend once again, i have tried it, but what can i do im loud and something about trending makes me sick this is the life that i chose this is the life that i knew i was getting into and i dove head first why?why? what drives this utter lunacy? who is this man that they call Jesus and why do i let every ambition go and follow Him recklessly? Who is this Man? That even the wind and the waves obey Him! I ask it terrified i am no different than my predecessors and I am no different than those who will follow long after me i ask all the time, DONT YOU CARE THAT I AM PERISHING DONT YOU CARE!! This calamity doesnt let up constantly in my face constantly a reminder of what has happened and what i fear will happen daily DONT YOU CARE!!!!
but the clouds break apart in my stormy life and I hear a bone shaking, chill inducing voice
PEACE!
BE STILL!!
Don't you know that you are never alone, never forsaken?
When have I left you?
You will never be forsaken, never alone.
Be still, my wandering child
Know these things
Be still and know that
I AM GOD

~ Evie, 9-8-08. 11:25 p.m.