Dear Mom, I promise I'm trying to write happier things, and I know you don't understand but I'm attatched to the sadness and it rings true when I sing

I know I haven't been here in a while.
I got tired of writing about how I have failed.
This blog was becoming something that just depressed me.
I used to love to write.
Honestly, I still enjoy it very much.
One thing about writing is it forces me to be honest about what is going on in my life.
I don't like what has been going on in my life lately.
Mostly, because I have been making my own decisions.
That is never a good thing.
When I take matters into my own hands all that comes of it is pain.
I don't like to talk about my stupidity.
It just gets me thinking about it.
I don't like recalling it.
Most days, I can't make the recalls stop.
I try not to let it show on my face.
Am I convincing?
I don't know.
I try to do the right things.
I try to cut the wrong people out of my life.
I try.
I fail.
I forget Jesus.

I have been contemplating writing on here everyday.
Sharing the things that are really going through my head instead of taking long absences and having them all spill out into one long blog.
I don't know.
I'm afraid that it would be depressing. and people wouldn't want to read it.
I'm afraid that people would read it and pity me.
I hate being pitied.
I would just like to be fixed.
Bradley Hathaway was right when he said this is a long process of turning me into the person that I'm supposed to be.
Even writing this much has made me sad, not helped me.
I don't know what is going on in my head.
I think that this is enough for right now.
I'll talk to you all later.